Procrastinating

This space has taken on many faces (is faces really the word I want to use here?) over the years. It held up hopes and dreams as I clawed my way through different hobbies or business ventures. You won’t find any posts here from the past. I deleted them, ALL of them, without mercy. Command+A delete. Done. finito. Good bye. Chef’s kiss.

I remember a friend told me once that keeping her old posts live was a time capsule. I would agree with that, but when I found myself looking through old posts, so much of what I read or saw or felt, didn’t actually feel like me.

You see, up until a couple of years ago I wasn’t aware that I was a chronic people pleaser, wading my way through life, placating and morphing into persons (yes, persons, multiple versions of me) to keep myself safe. One day I’ll probably write about all the trauma that shaped my nervous system to function in that way, but for now I think it’s enough to say that all the pieces of me, while they were pieces, they weren’t the whole of me.

I didn’t come on here to talk about trauma. I am actually making every attempt to procrastinate, because I’m supposed to be knee deep in coding labs. A year ago or so, I decided to purse becoming a full-stack developer and if you are a programmer of any kind maybe what I’m about to say will make sense to you, but I think programmers and coders are delusional. Writing code starts out cozy, it pulls you in, line by line, and then the next thing you know, your drifting out at sea, trying not to drown because what they hell were you even thinking? You thought you could swim, but swimming out in the middle of the ocean with waves crashing over you and no land in sight is a whole different story. Whew, that took a turn. Were you able to even follow that?

I digress.

I didnt’ plan to write this post. I actually thought about deleting my whole website. Which is kind of wild. I’ve had this space for 10 year now. Frick, 10 years. What the wild?

So, I’m still here. Who knows what this space will look like moving forward. Hopefully more like me. Oh, I decided to write a novel as well. This is a classic move on my part. I’m drowning trying to learn code, so you know, might as well throw in something else that will occupy my mind from the thing I’m actually supposed to be doing. I’m not delusional about the novel though (very delusional about the coding). I know the novel will take a very long time to finish. I know it will only get the left over time I have between coding, but out of all the things I’ve done so far, out of all the adventures, and different things I’ve tried, this novel feels the most like me, and let me tell you, that is a freaking surprise.

P.S. If you made it to the end, good job and thank you. My conscious flow style of writing doesn’t always make it though my fingers onto the keyboard and no matter how many times I read through this post and made attempts at editing, I’m sure there are things I’ve missed. ❤️